My best friend in high school was a pretty, outgoing, talkative extrovert. Not only did she have gorgeous skin, a cute figure, and shiny brown hair that fell practically to her bottom, she was also flirtatious, opinionated, and quick to laugh. Boys were irresistiblydrawn to her, and it seemed to me that she could get the adoring attention of anyone she wanted. At parties, she was the center of attention, the one laughing the loudest and flirting the hardest, and enrapturing everyone she met. In social situations, I felt dumpy, clumsy, and dull next to her.
About 400 years later, when through the modern miracle of the Internet I reconnected with people from high school, I was dumbfounded to learn that I hadn’t been nearly as invisible as I’d thought. People noticed me; boys noticed me; even one of my secret crushes noticed me and admitted that he’d had a little crush on me too. (Too bad neither of us said anything at the time, but that’s high school.)
This realization forced me to recast my whole high school experience and, to an extent, my own self-image in a different light. A softer one.
Here’s the point: Sometimes we imagine that to get attention, we have to compete with extroverts’ glitter and sparkle, and that can be discouraging. But it’s also not correct. Remember how your mom used to tell you that if you just be yourself, the right personwill come along? For what is probably not the first time, your mother was right.
The reality is that you are not competing with extroverts for attention. Extroverts and introverts are apples and oranges. Extroverts sparkle—introverts glow. Extroverts are fireworks—introverts are a fire in the hearth. Extroverts attract people who like razzle-dazzle—introverts attract people who want to bask in theirwarmth. Remember that, if you’re looking for a one-and-only.
If you come from a family where introversion was not appreciated (or even if you didn’t), you might set out on your quest for the right relationship with a one-down mindset, imagining you will be easily overlooked or will have to behave like someone you’re notin order to get attention. But that’s not the way to go. People are drawn to others who are comfortable in their own skin, which for you means knowing yourselfand liking who youare.
Besides, trying to be who you aren’t in order to attract a mate can backfire in many ways. First of all, there’s a matter of truth in advertising. My husband still brings up the very sexy top I wore to the party where he finally asked me out. “I never saw it again,” he says, with a hint of wry bitterness. It was the first and only time I ever wore that thing. It just wasn’t me. It was a blouse for an exhibitionist, not an introvert. While Tom has forgiven the deception (sort of), itoffers a lesson: Don’t misrepresent yourself, or, even if everything else works out, you’ll never hear the end of it.
FAQs
These two personality types are opposites — introverts focus inward, into their own thoughts, and extroverts focus outward, into the world. But don't get too excited; most people are a little bit of both. So, if we pretend we're batteries, introverts recharge alone, but extroverts get energy from other people.
How to use dating apps as an introvert? ›
By liking or responding to prompts, photos, and videos, introverts can carefully curate their interactions and choose the connections they feel most drawn to. For introverts who prefer to take things slow or are hesitant about in-person meetings, Hinge offers integrated video dating as an alternative.
Why is dating hard for introverts? ›
First, meeting new people can be more of a challenge since introverts don't prefer to put themselves in social situations where they have to meet new people. They may also take more time to trust, which often means that their relationships move at a slower pace.
Who do introverts attract? ›
Extroverts are fireworks—introverts are a fire in the hearth. Extroverts attract people who like razzle-dazzle—introverts attract people who want to bask in their warmth. Remember that, if you're looking for a one-and-only.
What are the 4 types of introverts quiz? ›
These four Introvert types are Social, Thinking, Anxious, and Restrained, represented by the acronym “STAR.”
What are the four types of introverts? ›
Types of Introverts
- Social introverts. This is the "classic" type of introvert. ...
- Thinking introverts. People in this group are daydreamers. ...
- Anxious introverts. They seek out alone time not just because they like it, but also because they often feel awkward or shy around people.
- Restrained/inhibited introverts.
May delay in-person meetings: It's not uncommon for introverts to feel more comfortable chatting with potential dates online or via phone or text. This means it may take longer for them to actually meet people in person and truly understand whether or not they're a good match.
How can an introvert be successful in dating? ›
Many Introverts Use These 11 Dating Tips to Make a Connection
- Arm Yourself with Interesting Questions. ...
- Learn to Tell an Interesting Story or Two. ...
- Be Straightforward and Sincere. ...
- Choose Spaces that Are Safe for Introverts. ...
- Develop an Interesting Personality. ...
- Choose Something Fun to Do. ...
- Get Some Rest.
If you're an introvert, don't be surprised if you're attracted to extroverts. Dating someone with a different way of approaching the world isn't always easy. In some cases, your differences can lead to conflict and frustration if you don't actively try to understand one another.
Do introverts say I love you? ›
Actions speak louder than words - Introverts tend to show their affection through their actions rather than their words. They may not say "I love you" often, but they will show it through small, thoughtful gestures like making tea, cooking their favorite meal, or taking care of them when they are sick.
Introverts, who may not always use words to express their feelings, often convey interest through subtle body language cues. They might lean in during conversations, mirror the other person's actions, or have open body language around the person they are interested in.
How to make an introvert fall in love with you? ›
How to Get Close to an Introvert
- 1 Talk to them one-on-one.
- 2 Give them notice before making plans.
- 3 Spend quality time together.
- 4 Do things that interest them.
- 5 Open up to them first.
- 6 Ask them open-ended questions.
- 7 Try not to talk over them.
- 8 Introduce them to your friends slowly.
Too Much Socialization
Spending a lot of time around others without having any alone time can be a significant source of stress for introverted people.
How do introverts show they are interested? ›
Introverts express their love in unique ways, such as through quality time, acts of service, deep conversations, respecting personal space, thoughtful gestures, and sharing vulnerabilities. They value intimate moments, engage in meaningful discussions, and go out of their way to make their partner's life easier.
Does an introvert like to be touched? ›
Meaningful touch creates a deeper emotional bond, providing a sense of security and love for introverts and their loved ones. Nurturing Emotional Intimacy: The Heart of Introverted Love: For introverts, emotional intimacy is the cornerstone of a fulfilling relationship.
What is your introvert or extrovert? ›
Am I an introvert or an extrovert? If your personality is highly outgoing, talkative, and assertive, you may be an extrovert. If you draw your energy from time alone or in smaller groups, you may be an introvert. If you're like most people, though, you're probably somewhere in between.
How to ask if someone is introvert or extrovert? ›
I prefer to think about these words in terms of where we source our energy. If time alone, doing whatever you like fills your cup, perhaps you identify more with being an introvert. If attending a party or being around people leaves you feeling energised then perhaps you identify more with being an extrovert.
How can I tell if I'm an introvert or extrovert? ›
Dr. Jung found that extroverts feel energized by being surrounded by people, enjoy interacting with the outside world, and prefer sharing their thoughts and feelings with others, while introverts are recharged by being alone, feeling secure and confident in their own space, or contemplate quietly at a serene place.
What makes you an introvert or extrovert? ›
Introverts feel more comfortable and energized in solitary or low-stimulus environments, often preferring one-on-one or small-group interactions. They may find excessive social interactions draining. Extroversion is characterized by traits such as sociability, assertiveness, and cheerfulness.
